Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Who are you when you are not being productive?
Hiding from hidden truths sometimes….hiding from past pains at moments…dealing by not dealing….there are moments when all of us stop being productive and just float along the currents that carry us in whatever direction it happens to be floating in….
But we can not remain unproductive because life does not allow that….we have lessons to learn, lessons to teach to others…. even when we don’t want them…something will always happen to force us back into being productive once again.
Who are you in your dreams?
Sometimes standing beside me as she shows me an event.
Sometimes I see everything through her eyes.
Which is disconcerting at times, to feel like a complete stranger within yourself. I know I am watching an event that has yet to come when I see through the eyes. My inner self wants to pay close attention to the smallest of details and I than record them in a dream journal upon awakening.
Who is the you that notices your thoughts?
Like most people I would most likely say the observer.
The part of myself that observes all that is around me, that inner conscience that reminds me that some thoughts can only lead to dark places that attract more dark to us. Or that we can refuse to allow ourselves to be turned into evil and to turn those thoughts into positives……not always an easy task…..but always possible if we work at it…
I hang onto a quote by Bill Cosby when in my darkest moments….."If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it."
My sense of humor is not always understood by outsiders…..but those who honestly care about me, realize it is how I cope. It keeps me human…some days it may be dark humor, but it is still humor…some days it is silly, or outrageous humor that gets me through a day….the macabre humor can be just as healing as the silly slap stick humor can be for me….
Where does your mind go when you sit in a still moment under an immense sky?
It goes to being free.
Freedom to go where ever it chooses….I can fly with the Eagles, I can float along with the clouds…swim with dolphins in my minds eye…I can run with wolves, or just lie still and imagine what the Stones feel to remain in one spot forever, observing life that teems around it year after year….being exposed to the elements having no control over what happens to it, being shaped by the elements year after year, never really remaining the same as the winds, rain, snow and ice change the shape of them in time….
I realize it is the same with myself….even when I stand still and try not to move or change, I still am changed by events that I have no control over. But I still have the Freedom to learn how to control how I respond to the changes. Sitting still under an immense sky reminds me of that fact….it allows me to breath for a moment, to recharge my inner battery, and to become still and find peace within myself when I need it the most. It gives me time to dream.
In your own history, what has been the best rhythm and way for you to come to know your own truth?
When I stop all motion and become still.
Taking stock of the world around me, I lie down in a soft part of earth. I feel the rhythms of the earth. I listen to the sound of the wind. I listen to the sounds of the life that teem around us each day. For even when all is silent, there is still sound within the silence. I know that makes no sense to a lot of people, it contradicts itself in it’s very thought process. Which should explain me more to you…
When I have just stopped completely. Than and only than did I realize something that was so simply right in front of me the entire time. I just had to stop long enough to see it. To allow myself to know it, to feel it.
What surprises you in your current life?
People are a constant source of surprise for me.
I always expect more than a lot of them seem able of being…You expect honor, honesty,…you expect compassion and empathy….and those you expect it from seem to fail at it miserably….than out of no where, you will find these in people you would never have dreamed these qualities to come from….the package is not what we expected it to come wrapped up in. I love that about humanity, and I hate it as well. I am learning to observe people more, or perhaps it is simply I have a new pair of eyes with which I see them with these days. Time along with my personal life lessons seem to cause that to happen.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
I know I'll probably forever be crucified for this, but it has for so long been getting worse and I am finally at the point of no return. I don't think anyone NEEDS to know this, but given the fact that our situation is so well-known, I wanted others to know the situation and the reasonings... It's extremely personal, but I think necessary to tell...... Anyways.
Five years ago met Josh. He was everything I wanted in a guy - smart, strong-willed, and made me laugh. He was attractive and loving, caring, respectful... I could go on and on. Two and a half years into our relationship he got injured in Iraq. I have been by his side every step of the way since then, not willing to compromise on that decision. He showed me everyday even thru the worst of it how much he cared about me and how much he loved me...he was sweet, thoughtful... and the same old Josh. Last year he proposed to me. I couldn't have been happier than at that moment...
Shortly after that he started to change. He showed little to NO signs of caring for me... he hurt me over and over again, all the time. I started feeling like I was only looked at as a caregiver, not a fiancee, not even a friend. It always seemed like the only time he would actually communicate with me was to throw orders my way of what HE needed. When I talked to him about how I felt about everything...how i was hurting...he would just laugh. It hurt. A LOT! This has been going on for over 9 months...and slowly as time went on and I shut myself off from getting hurt any longer. I finally got to the point where I realized I wasn't happy. I'm not the same happy person I used to be... I always wanted to "get away" to be happy again... and in the end I started hurting him by being gone so much. Needless to say, we were both extremely unhappy. Today I had to do an EXTREMELY difficult thing, and I feel it's better for both of us at this point. It was hard, and a lot of tears were shed, but I know it's the right thing.
Josh and I are no longer together.
We did not fight. We dont' hate each other... and we both decided I would stay in his home with him until he was ready on his own. I will continue doing everything I've done for him along the way... I still care about him. I still love him. We are just two completely different people and I think we'll be forever better off as friends. He will never NOT be a part of my life as long as I can help it...
This is just what's best.
Hope everyone can understand this... understand that this is still a RELATIONSHIP and relationships have issues. I am sincerely hopeful that people don't look at me as "the girl who left the quadriplegic marine", and instead look at it as any other relationship that just doesn't work out. I stuck with him through so much because I loved him with all my heart and soul... the only thing that changed was deeper than skin deep...MUCH. Please understand that. And if you can't...well then I am sorry.
This is what I wrote in my journal about it the other night...I will share my thoughts with everyone... " I'm just sort of numb right now.... I am so tired emotionally...every time I think ok...I can breath now Life has taken on a routine and everything is looking like we can get settled in...we get hit with a new bomb. But we've survived so many hardships, and while I don't understand the "Why us aspect" that all people who survive horrible things and the fall out from it must ask themselves from time to time. I know we will survive this... Just one day at a time, one breath at a time....and sometimes it is just taking it moment to moment and keep moving, don't stop, don't look to the left or the right, you just keep pedaling...I don't know where we are heading, but as long as we keep pedaling, we will arrive somewhere. Does that make sense? Right now tonight...I'm just dog paddling...not much else emotionally....but that is ok, I've dog paddled a lot in the past three years, as has those two kids...so this is something that I can not take the pain away from either one, they have to do this on their own....all I can do is be there for him as he needs me, when he wants me and accept that this might have happened even if he had not been injured. She stuck it out for 3 years....longer than anyone ever thought she would....there have been wives of 15 years that did not make 3 months to some injured vets I was told... I honestly am grateful that when he needed her the most, in the darkest most painful time of his life....if not for Heather...he would not be alive today.....so while I wish it would have been the happy ever after for them both...I understand that with all he has going against him in just the day to day care of him...the why of the break up. I also know he wants her to have everything that he will never be able to give her again...it is just hard to know your child no matter the age is suffering one more loss and there is nothing I can do to make it stop hurting. All I can do is love him, be there to support him through it and help him get to the other side."
Just all I ask is for prayers to help all of us, both families involved to be a support to the kids as their
relationship changes from what they had dreamed it would be, into what it is going to be...the loss of
dreams, hopes..and the beginning of different paths going in different directions for them both...and
please keep in mind that there are two sides to one coin...everyone will only publicly hear for the most
part Heathers side of the coin, it is how Joshua wishes it to be...
He is in counseling for his PTSD and has been working with one who comes to his home once a week from
the VA, he will continue to do so...Joshua is not a perfect man, but like Heather he is a good person. She
is still just as protective of him as I am of her...They are two very real, very human people with human needs,
human failings....who were caught in a very inhumane situation that none of us can change. All we can do is
make the best of it, and follow what ever path it is that God has us on...Some days I can only remind us that
I don't know what the plan is, but he won't give us more than we can handle...to be honest Some days that is
hard to hang on to...I'd like to wave my arms and ask him have you forgotten us down here...I think we've had
enough now...but I know it does not work that way...
I will forever be grate full that she was the woman at his side when this happened. She has quite literally saved
his life on two occasions...and has been a steady rock when he needed one in the darkest time of his life. I wish
only the best for Heather and pray she find peace, love, and happiness as her life moves on in a new direction.