Saturday, August 08, 2009
Update on Joshua
I know I'll probably forever be crucified for this, but it has for so long been getting worse and I am finally at the point of no return. I don't think anyone NEEDS to know this, but given the fact that our situation is so well-known, I wanted others to know the situation and the reasonings... It's extremely personal, but I think necessary to tell...... Anyways.
Five years ago met Josh. He was everything I wanted in a guy - smart, strong-willed, and made me laugh. He was attractive and loving, caring, respectful... I could go on and on. Two and a half years into our relationship he got injured in Iraq. I have been by his side every step of the way since then, not willing to compromise on that decision. He showed me everyday even thru the worst of it how much he cared about me and how much he loved me...he was sweet, thoughtful... and the same old Josh. Last year he proposed to me. I couldn't have been happier than at that moment...
Shortly after that he started to change. He showed little to NO signs of caring for me... he hurt me over and over again, all the time. I started feeling like I was only looked at as a caregiver, not a fiancee, not even a friend. It always seemed like the only time he would actually communicate with me was to throw orders my way of what HE needed. When I talked to him about how I felt about everything...how i was hurting...he would just laugh. It hurt. A LOT! This has been going on for over 9 months...and slowly as time went on and I shut myself off from getting hurt any longer. I finally got to the point where I realized I wasn't happy. I'm not the same happy person I used to be... I always wanted to "get away" to be happy again... and in the end I started hurting him by being gone so much. Needless to say, we were both extremely unhappy. Today I had to do an EXTREMELY difficult thing, and I feel it's better for both of us at this point. It was hard, and a lot of tears were shed, but I know it's the right thing.
Josh and I are no longer together.
We did not fight. We dont' hate each other... and we both decided I would stay in his home with him until he was ready on his own. I will continue doing everything I've done for him along the way... I still care about him. I still love him. We are just two completely different people and I think we'll be forever better off as friends. He will never NOT be a part of my life as long as I can help it...
This is just what's best.
Hope everyone can understand this... understand that this is still a RELATIONSHIP and relationships have issues. I am sincerely hopeful that people don't look at me as "the girl who left the quadriplegic marine", and instead look at it as any other relationship that just doesn't work out. I stuck with him through so much because I loved him with all my heart and soul... the only thing that changed was deeper than skin deep...MUCH. Please understand that. And if you can't...well then I am sorry.
This is what I wrote in my journal about it the other night...I will share my thoughts with everyone... " I'm just sort of numb right now.... I am so tired emotionally...every time I think ok...I can breath now Life has taken on a routine and everything is looking like we can get settled in...we get hit with a new bomb. But we've survived so many hardships, and while I don't understand the "Why us aspect" that all people who survive horrible things and the fall out from it must ask themselves from time to time. I know we will survive this... Just one day at a time, one breath at a time....and sometimes it is just taking it moment to moment and keep moving, don't stop, don't look to the left or the right, you just keep pedaling...I don't know where we are heading, but as long as we keep pedaling, we will arrive somewhere. Does that make sense? Right now tonight...I'm just dog paddling...not much else emotionally....but that is ok, I've dog paddled a lot in the past three years, as has those two kids...so this is something that I can not take the pain away from either one, they have to do this on their own....all I can do is be there for him as he needs me, when he wants me and accept that this might have happened even if he had not been injured. She stuck it out for 3 years....longer than anyone ever thought she would....there have been wives of 15 years that did not make 3 months to some injured vets I was told... I honestly am grateful that when he needed her the most, in the darkest most painful time of his life....if not for Heather...he would not be alive today.....so while I wish it would have been the happy ever after for them both...I understand that with all he has going against him in just the day to day care of him...the why of the break up. I also know he wants her to have everything that he will never be able to give her again...it is just hard to know your child no matter the age is suffering one more loss and there is nothing I can do to make it stop hurting. All I can do is love him, be there to support him through it and help him get to the other side."
Just all I ask is for prayers to help all of us, both families involved to be a support to the kids as their
relationship changes from what they had dreamed it would be, into what it is going to be...the loss of
dreams, hopes..and the beginning of different paths going in different directions for them both...and
please keep in mind that there are two sides to one coin...everyone will only publicly hear for the most
part Heathers side of the coin, it is how Joshua wishes it to be...
He is in counseling for his PTSD and has been working with one who comes to his home once a week from
the VA, he will continue to do so...Joshua is not a perfect man, but like Heather he is a good person. She
is still just as protective of him as I am of her...They are two very real, very human people with human needs,
human failings....who were caught in a very inhumane situation that none of us can change. All we can do is
make the best of it, and follow what ever path it is that God has us on...Some days I can only remind us that
I don't know what the plan is, but he won't give us more than we can handle...to be honest Some days that is
hard to hang on to...I'd like to wave my arms and ask him have you forgotten us down here...I think we've had
enough now...but I know it does not work that way...
I will forever be grate full that she was the woman at his side when this happened. She has quite literally saved
his life on two occasions...and has been a steady rock when he needed one in the darkest time of his life. I wish
only the best for Heather and pray she find peace, love, and happiness as her life moves on in a new direction.